I just don't know sometimes...

I read the Bible and realize that I'm nothing like the Christians in there. Even the new Christians in the Bible are more faithful than me and operate in more power than I do. If I had to compare myself to a Christian in the Bible I guess I would be most like the Corinthians. But even they operated in the gifts of the Spirit. I don't understand. And I'm too far into this to go back to where I was. There's nothing left there anyway. My only choice is to continue toward Christ. But I just find that I'm so very very bad at it. My mind races so quickly and thinks of so many selfish scenarios in every situation. It races so quickly that I can begin doing something out of the goodness of my heart and in two seconds I've finished a train of thought that has brought me to thinking about all of the things that I can get out of that action and all sorts of selfish possibilities. It's really hard to explain. Thoughts go through my head that surprise me. I can't believe some of the things that I think.
And now I'm about to go to Chicago to spread the message of Christ. I'm just afraid that somehow it will end up being about me. I don't know how but somehow I can make it about me. That's my greatest talent. Even when I try to help a brother I mess it up somehow and completely miss the will of God and fail to reflect the character of Christ. I don't know what I'll say to people in Chicago. I don't even know how to witness to people. I have faith that God will at least use me to make Himself known to people. I have faith that He will give me the words to say when the time is right. I know that He can if He used a donkey. But that's about the only reason I know that He WOULD. Truly I am like a pile of refuse in the eyes of God. I lament over who I am and what I am. I just hope Jesus isn't ashamed of me when I see Him. I don't know what in the world He could possibly see in me. I don't see how He can love me. Jesus teach me to love myself- to truly love myself and not to simply have false pride in myself. God knows I have that to spare.